This is going to be a section for Al and Joanie to have a moan....

IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY OF OUR MOANS OR UPSET BY OUR OPINIONS MAY I SUGGEST YOU NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE. MAYBE TO A NICE PAGE ABOUT BUNNIES, OR FLOWERS PERHAPS. THESE MOANS CONSITUTE OUR OPINIONS AND FEELINGS ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS AND PEOPLE WE ENCOUNTER WHEN WORKING. WARTS AND ALL.

MAIN MOANING SECTION

I am not a dolly bird

Those of you who know me know full well that I would'nt be caught dead within a mile of a sequin. And high heeled strappy bunion-makers are not my shoes of choice. So why is there fast becoming a `uniform` for singers?

At a recent gig, it was pointed out that I wasn't the same as other acts. I didn't dress the same, sing my songs the same way or dance around all over the stage. It's like I committed a crime by not being the same as everyone else. So I need my lyrics books sometimes - woop de doo. So I wear trousers and boots - double woop de doo.

If you are a bus driver, they don't care what you look like. Can you drive a bus? Yes. End of.

So why should all singers look, act, dress and sing the same?

So anyway - if you want a dolly bird for your gig or venue, look elsewhere.

I'm joanie. I can sing. In tune. I do a little dancing but am by no means Wayne bloody Sleep.

Get over it.

At a recent gig I had one of my pet hates thrown in my face... I don't really want to single out this one person in particular, because this is something that happens at lots of gigs. If you want to talk to me, please come up between songs, or even better take your suggestion/request to Alan. I always point him out and say this, but most punters (by the time they've had their fill of liquid courage) come and stand in front of me whilst I am singing and then get angry that I am not paying attention.

I try to keep singing and hint that they should realise that I am working, but sometimes I am forced to tell them to p~ss off and let me get on with my job.

I'm sure that everyone who wants to sing have wonderful voices and could do well in the job. However, I was told by the person in question (on their second visit into my face) that " I can sing it better than you anyway". After picking up the dummy already spat out, they retired to her table to gripe to her friends. I don't want to push this much more, but

Here's what you can do if you want to do my job...

Pay out 2 - 3 thousand pounds for equipment, Learn around 120 songs (at least), get insurance, transport, agents and everything else that's involved and just bloody do it. Try recording yourself and having a listen, you're quite often not as good as you think.

Feel free to ask me and Alan for advice. We have helped quite a few people to start in the `business`. On prior discussion with venue owners, I can even arrange for you to do a couple of songs at a gig.

Please Don't

Hassle acts, spit on them and very expensive mics.

Be nasty to people who are trying to do the jobs they are being paid for.

I find it very insulting that some people seem to think they can come up and try to take over my act.

One more small gripe, again not particularly aimed at one guy at a pub. Its not funny to call out 30 times, "do The Sash". Again, it cheeses me off that I can't do Simply The Best any more because of sectarian small minds, Its a fantastic song, and a big shame. I WILL NOT DO SECTARIAN SONGS.

Please note - I do not allow anyone to use my microphone.

This is not because I am a snob or don't want to be `outdone`.

There are three reasons really -

My microphone was very very very very expensive. Dropping or swinging it is NOT an option!
I lost a lot of work at the beginning of the year due to throat infections, colds and flu. You may cough and sneeze on it. I don't get paid when I don't work
I am here to entertain YOU. If everyone who wanted to sing was allowed, I wouldn't be able to! Please let me do my job!

At the end of the set, I usually have around and hour and a half of travelling and putting away equipment. We cannot allow you to help with this for health and safety reasons. So please don't make the night more difficult!

Please Clap....

We are constantly amazed at the lack of feedback we receive at gigs these days.

We know it's not the act, as we have so many positive comments at the end of the night, and am always asked back.

We don't expect to get standing ovations at the end of every song (although it would be nice!), but expect people to at least acknowledge the fact that they appreciate what we give them!

If you just want background music, ask your pub owner to stick some money in the jukebox - it would be cheaper! lol

If you want a quality singer who gives her best performance, you have to give some clue that you are listening!

PS Please note I do realise what a moaning b*gger I sound. Help Me!!!!