Fife's Top Quality Singer

This is going to be a section for Al and Joanie to have a moan....

IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY OF OUR MOANS OR UPSET BY OUR OPINIONS MAY I SUGGEST YOU NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE.  MAYBE TO A NICE PAGE ABOUT BUNNIES OR FLOWERS PERHAPS.  THESE MOANS CONSITUTE OUR OPINIONS AND FEELINGS ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS AND PEOPLE WE ENCOUNTER WHEN WORKING.  WARTS AND ALL.

MAIN MOANING SECTION 

Funny looks

Please take me at face value.  I may not be pretty, or skinny, but it doesn't mean I can't sing.  Your local pub is not the venue for the X Factor, or BGT, and you are NOT Simon Cowell/Dannii Minogue/Cheryl Cole/Louis Walsh.  So quit looking at me funny.  Give me a chance to sing, and you may change your mind about me.  Yes I have probably ate the vast majority of the pies.  Yes I am ginger. Geez a chance..

Talking about yourself in the third person

Some acts out there talk about themselves in the third person - "eg Joanie does this, Joanie does that".  That's not me.  I am straightforward and to the point, and so this is a personal website from me, by me. I don't pretend to be anything more than I am, and you'll find this out if you approach me at a gig. There's no big spiel, no rambling introduction before I start singing.  There are very few spangled outfits, and no funny put on accents. WYSIWYG, as they say. 

Oh and I do not want to take your recommendation from you that I join your fan page on Facebook - eg

"Joanie has become a fan of Joanie and wants you to join her on Joanie's page about Joanie". Erm no.

Moaning about my moaning

I like to think I am honest and straightforward, so I apologise if anyone objects when I have a good old moan about something.  Actually I don't.  This is my site, and I use it to let everyone know where they can see me. I also use the site to let any other singers know they are not alone. Good gigs are great, but bad gigs happen now and then.  it's nice to know that it happens to someone else, and it's not just your fault.

Sometimes it's a glamorous job, where you are made to feel welcome and appreciated, and the crowd applauds at the end of every song.  Sometimes it's a slog. But can anyone really say they have never had a bad day at work? A day where nothing seems to go right and you have to soldier on?

So as they say round my way, Geez a break, and if my moans annoy you, avoid this page...

Social networking sites...

I love these sites - they are invaluable for keeping in touch with your friends and family, and I have some very interesting conversations with people I haven't even met yet!  As a whole, they are a good thing.

Unfortunately there is a downside to social networking.  Sometimes things are said on the spur of the moment without taking time to think about what you are saying.  I myself have even been known to send the odd drunken update via my mobile phone.

It's important to remember that these sites are public.  What you say may affect someone - maybe laughing at someone or putting them down - and these off the cuff remarks can affect those of us who are a little sensitive. You can ruin a person's day very easily, and cause a lot of stress and unhappiness. 

I urge you all to use these sites wisely, and remember that there are real people reading those posts...

Oh and if you don't know the full story about anything written, don't go off half cocked!

My answering machine...

If you get through to my answering machine, I would be grateful if you could leave a message. 

I am not a mind reader, and I don't want to disappoint you by not phoning you back.  I am here to take bookings and arrange gigs, but I am not always available on the mobile. My mobile is set up to divert you to my house phone, which has an answering machine.  For those of you who have never used one, it goes like this -

1. You phone my mobile
2. You are diverted if I am not available
3. My house phone says "Hi! you have reached......blah blah. please leave a message and I'll phone you back."
4. At this point it is customary to say hello, tell me your name and your number, and give an idea of why you called. You may want to book me for a gig.  You may be selling me a kitchen  (NB don't expect a call back for the last one).
5. When I check my messages, I will phone you back using the details you leave. 

My name on your poster/in your ad

NB My name is JOANIE.  Not Joannie, Joni, Johnny(!). Johnnie, Johannie, Joany, Jodie, Jodi, Jonie or any other weird and wonderful spelling.  Or Heather. Or Stevie.

It's Joanie.

I'm telling you, and I shouldn't.  After all, you spelled it right in order to find this site.  If you see my name spelled wrong anywhere, please tell the owner of the pub or club, and let me know of any other strange combinations of letters you see!

How much???!!!

I am always being asked how much I charge for a night's work.  Well the answer is - it depends on where, when and for how long, along with what occasion, any special requests etc. 

So you may book me only to find that I did someone else's night for less/more.  Well maybe there was a reason (see above). 

Can I ask that when you book me you have a solid idea of what you want me to do for you BEFORE you call or email?  I ain't no Derren Brown, and I'm not here to diddle you out of your hard earned. 

I've done nights for £150, £170, some for £250, and even a few for £500, but before you gasp, some of them were a long long way away, or on a special night, like Hogmanay.  Sometimes I even have to stay somewhere overnight, or spend most of the day staring at the motorway, pulling into some scary motorway caff or other at dark o clock in the morning.  All of these expenses have to be taken into consideration. 

(Not forgetting, of course the preparation of tracks/equipment and practise time.)

The best idea, I reckon, is to email me direct at mail@joanie.co.uk.

Please include the following -

• When
• Where
• From/to what time
• Any special requests re material/arrival times/set up times
• Your name!

Okay.  That's better now that's out.....

Twittering

Why do some singers sing a dozen notes when one will do?  You sing a song - you don't attack it like a runner doing the steeplechase.  Neither do you make a line of a song into an obstacle to be tackled like it's the enemy.

It sounds like I'm jealous.  Obviously I'd like the scale of wages paid to some famous professional colloratura-type singers.  That would indeed be nice.  But I'd rather hear a good, clean, powerful voice than someone's warm up exercises.

Oh and I'd like to introduce you to a thing called vocal range.  That means how high/low you can sing. My range is quite wide, but I have more low end than most.  Consequently I may do more male vocal songs than most, but it is still definitely me.  I am not twiddling with some computer program or other, and neither am I a bloke in disguise.

My vocal range may be different from the song you are asking me to do.  I will change keys etc in advance if needed, but my inability to sing Mariah Carey twittery whistles doesn't mean I am not a good singer. If so-and-so at such-and-such pub can sing high stuff, that's fine.  Please don't be disappointed if I don't. 

It's My Mic... Get Yer Own...

Please note - I do not allow anyone to use my microphone. This is not because I am a snob or don't want to be `outdone`.  Maybe you are a great singer.  It's not because of that.

There are three reasons really -

1. My microphone was really quite expensive.  Dropping or swinging it is NOT an option!

2. I generally lose work from time to time due to throat infections, colds and flu.  I try to avoid other people's germs.

3. I am here to entertain YOU.  If everyone who wanted to sing was allowed, I wouldn't be able to!  Please let me do my job!

At the end of the set, I usually have around and hour and a half of travelling and putting away equipment. Please note that we cannot allow you to help with this for health and safety reasons. Thank you for asking and offering to help, but no thanks.

I'm sure that everyone who wants to sing have wonderful voices and could do well in the job. But I am here to entertain YOU.  Sit back and relax...

Afterthought...

I know I am a moaning b*gger, but this page is all about that, isn't it?  If you are upset or have taken personally any of my comments, may I suggest a little Pan pipe music, or a hot cup of tea and a biccy.